This is a picture of me 3 yrs ago taken by Jennifer Hough near Mt Tremblant, Quebec.
We were on one of our retreats that was a part of a year long program called Flight School with Jen and The Wide Awakening crew.
This was a very poignant time in my life. So many awarenesses came to me. I still look back at my journal notes from that retreat and remember all the little gems.
It was the place and time where I realized the gift that I am. I can really see it in others but couldn’t see it in myself. It took 13 soul family members sitting around a table, relentlessly drilling into to me. Yep, I am that stubborn. But I finally got it and am so grateful for that.
It was also the time where I received the news of my 4th and 5th melanoma diagnosis. Not great news but it was a part of my next realization which was huge.
With the help of Jen and my soul family, I realized that I had been surviving my life and not doing a great job at it. My striving and pushing my way through life, trying to prove myself and constantly be more, had taken a toll on my health and well being.
My body had been telling me all along that I was stressed and living out of alignment but I wasn’t able to listen because I thought that how I felt was “normal”. That’s how sneaky chronic stress is.
In addition to the melanomas, I now had adrenal fatigue. This was a turning point in my life because I had the deep knowing that if I didn’t stop surviving my life, I was on my way to leaving this planet too soon.
So began my journey of disentangling from the patterns of “gotta get it right”, trying to prove myself, people pleasing and putting everyone else first and myself last.
And this journey is far from being a straight line. I’m in survival mode, I’m out of survival mode. I’m engaging in the patterns, I’m not engaging in the patterns. But I’m not engaging in my patterns and surviving as much as I used to. And when I do engage in a pattern, I don’t stay there as long. My body won’t let me.
Each time I engage in one of my protective patterns, I learn something more. I learn more about myself and am able to help others at a deeper level.
So I find myself back in fried adrenal land. It truly feels like shit and holy cow, the self judgement and shame came out in full force. “Not again!!!!!” And yep, I engaged with it and cried for a full day.
Now I can see that it isn’t the same thing again. This time is different. I am not the same person I was 3 yrs ago. I know how I ended up in this state and what to do. And I just know that I will learn even more and have more awarenesses come my way. I already have.
I am being asked to let go of what I think I should do and how I have done things up until this point, to not knowing and not having the answers and allowing myself to dance with the universe instead of trying to lead all the time. Tuning into my intuition at an even deeper level is presenting for me instead of trying to figure everything out. It’s not easy and a little bit scary but I am willing.
It is also a beautiful opportunity for me to love myself even more. After dropping the initial self judgement, I am in a tender place of acceptance and love. I am full circling the retreat 3 yrs ago as I remember the gift that I am in my beingness, not in my doing.
This journey is so not a straight path. We move forward, we fall down, we get back up again and so it continues. And each time we fall down, we learn and we grow and we come home to ourselves even more.
Everything is for us and this is for me too, even though I don’t like it, especially because I don’t like it. ??