A couple of newsletters ago, I talked about letting go of controlling and worrying and having everything handled. It is a journey of unravelling a pattern I have engaged in since I was a little kid.
It hasn’t been easy or pretty for that matter but it has been worth it. And don’t get me wrong, it is still an ongoing process.
What I am noticing though is that my energy levels are increasing. I don’t feel that urge to lie down and have a nap in the afternoon and I have more energy for tasks throughout my day.
With this renewed energy has come this desire for my body to become strong again. I have been an athlete my entire life so the relative inactivity since having my kids has not felt great.
I have not felt like working out the past 5 years and if I pushed myself to do so, I didn’t feel good like I thought I would. I felt more depleted and my body hurt in a not so good way. It was super frustrating as I tried time and time again until I finally backed off, resorting to just walking and stretching.
I have beat myself up these past 5 years for not being in better shape and yet knew deep down that pushing through was not the way either. What I realize now is that my life force energy was not available for working out. It wasn’t even enough to get through my daily activities without feeling exhausted. And my sex drive? What sex drive?
Paraphrasing what my coach said to me, “Glenda, the fundamental reason animals and humans have been given the ability to have sex is procreation. Do animals procreate when they are in survival mode? No wonder you have no sex drive. There is no energy left it the tank when in survival mode. Stop being so hard on yourself and let’s look at filling your tank back up.”
My energy was tied up in trying to control things, worrying about the future, feeling guilt and shame about my past and where I am now, people pleasing, carrying responsibilities that weren’t mine to carry, and the flip side of that – not taking full responsibility of what is mine to own which resulted in giving my power away.
My energy was also tied up in doing everything on my own, not letting people in, having to get it right and resisting what was showing up in my life.
When I look at this list of energy zappers, it is no wonder I didn’t have any energy left for actually doing what I really want to do instead of the activities of just getting by.
So I am literally shifting from survival mode to thriving. I can feel the energy shift in my body as it lights it up from the inside. It feels tingly, expansive, alive and truly pleasurable. I don’t feel it all the time but I am noticing it more often and it feels really good.
You may be saying to yourself “Well, I’m not in survival mode.” Um… you just might be. If you are not thriving and feeling alive inside, you are in survival mode. If you are up in your head a lot, stressed or engaging with any protective mechanism such as hiding out, controlling, blaming, judging, having expectations, (and the list goes on), you are surviving your life instead of thriving. Just a little something to chew on;)
And… I am back working out! I am alternating between getting out on my rode bike cycling and doing a strength/stretching workout. I have some soreness but it is workout soreness and not the pain that used to knock me out. I can’t remember a time when my body has felt this physically tired. It has been a long time. And it is a good tired.
What I am noticing when my body is in this physical state of fatigue is that I am in a state of surrender. I literally can’t hold onto anything and I am more in flow. And even though my body is tired after a workout, I feel more alive than I have in years. Isn’t that interesting?
So if exercising is depleting you instead of increasing your aliveness, maybe your body is giving you the message that something’s gotta give first. Maybe your energy tank is running on fumes and filling it back up requires letting go of patterns of behaviour, habits of being that are no longer serving you.
And watch that you don’t use this possibility as an excuse not to start exercising. You have to try it first and see how you feel inside, depleted or enlivened. You may find that exercising does light you up instead of depleting you like your ego thought it would. You won’t know unless you give it a whirl.
This work is my specialty so if you are desiring guidance on how to fill yourself up and partner with your body, how to shift from surviving to thriving, reach out to me and let’s have a conversation. Just that step alone, starts energy moving.
Until next time,
Much love,
Glenda