Yesterday was my 45th birthday. I spent my birthday weekend in Canmore with my husband. It was only the second time we had a get away together without our children since they were born. The first time was two years ago. Waaaayyyyy too long ago! This weekend was an opportunity to relax, recharge, have fun and connect with my husband. It was also a chance for me to have some quiet reflection time where I went inward in meditation to connect with myself. I am going to share with you what I realized and how I felt during this time. Here we go!
The main realization that I had was how I want to feel and live right now. I realized how much I look into the future instead of being really present right now. I have always felt like I would be and do something really big in this world. I am not clear on what that looks like but I do know it has to do with helping others in a big way. As I have mentioned before, the energy of striving and achieving that I have lived with for the first part of my life has been the result of not feeling good enough and trying to remedy that feeling by achieving. But I also think that the striving energy has something to do with this feeling of being/contributing on a big scale as well. No matter how full or busy my life is, I tend to be searching for what more can I do. How else can I serve people? You may be reading this and saying “Why is that a bad thing? And why is she complaining about it?” It isn’t a bad thing as I really feel we are all here to love and serve one another by sharing our unique gifts. It becomes a bad thing when it comes at a cost to myself; the cost of my wellbeing.
I currently work two days per week as a part-time physical therapist and I take a maximum of 4 clients per week as a transformational energy coach. I also have two small children who are not in full time school yet. Some of you may think I have a lot on my plate and some of you who work full time and have children may think it must be a piece of cake. It doesn’t really matter what view point you or I may have. What matters is what my body, my nervous system and my well being think about it. Currently, it doesn’t take a lot to trigger a stress response in my body. I will feel it and be surprised because there doesn’t appear to be a valid reason for it. Once again, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I listen to what my body is telling me. My body is telling me to slow down. During meditation, my essence is pleading for me to spend more time going inward instead of giving out so much. Now my mind is on board and I realize with every fibre of my being that I need to look after myself more and shift the energy I am living with. Instead of a striving, pushing energy, it is time for me to live with more ease and grace. It is time for me to spend more of my time in going inward and receiving or contemplating instead of planning for the future. It is time for me to slow down and really enjoy what is here now in my life instead of looking for what is to come.
My body has been giving me this message for a long time now. My hormones are off kilter. I have a spleen qi deficiency and have done for decades now. This results in numerous symptoms but primarily shows up in digestion, hormones and muscles of the body. I have issues with all of those systems. The spleen is also affected by worry and anxiety and its qi is detrimentally affected by processed sugars, raw fruits and vegetables and in my case, also dairy and gluten. So it is time that I decrease my stress levels, eat a diet that heals my spleen qi deficiency, get 8 hours of sleep per night, exercise in a way that feels good in my body and go inward to replenish instead of giving out so much. This may sound selfish but it really is time I put my wellbeing first on the list instead of half way down. This is actually not easy for me to do. When you are used to living with a certain energy running the show, like any habit, it is not that easy to shift. Since I have made the decision to commit to my health, I still have the thoughts that I should be doing more and helping more but I am listening to my inner voice instead that is coaxing me towards doing less and just being more. I know that me putting my focus on healing and connecting with my essence on a daily basis will actually help people more than me doing more. I will be more real, more authentic, have more energy and thus be more for the people in my life as a result of me aligning with my truth. Time to practice what I preach at a really deep level. The time will come for me to be giving out again but I need to go inward first before I can truly give in the way that I want to.
So I am giving myself permission to slow down and pull back instead of forging ahead. In today’s society, it isn’t easy for people to do this. Having a to do list a mile long is like wearing a badge of honour. “Look at how busy I am. Look at how I can multi-task. That means I must mean something.” Our self worth is attached to our achievements and what we do instead of who we are being and how we are feeling. Even I catch myself thinking that I am just making excuses for myself, that I am procrastinating and that I am hiding out and playing small. They can be valid excuses but for me, at this time, they don’t ring true. They don’t resonate deeply in me. What resonates is that they are actually bull shit excuses for me not to look after myself!
My invitation to you, should you choose to accept it, is to check in with yourself and how you are feeling. Are you feeling stressed? Are you sleeping well? Are you saying yes to things you really don’t want to do? Are you listening to your body and your inner voice? Are you taking any time in your day to slow down? I will tell you this. Since making the commitment to slow down and look after myself, I have felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and a sense of freedom has replaced it. The reason I wrote this blog post today is because I know I am not alone in feeling this yearning for a slower pace, more ease and an even deeper connection with your essence. If you are feeling the same way, hopefully my share with you today will help you give yourself the permission to put your wellbeing first.
Much love and ease,