I am changed

I have been silent…. not withdrawn and hiding out in a hole silent but more of a watching myself and my patterns and a curiosity of what is possible for me kind of silent. This silence is not usual for me. The minute I have a new awareness or learn something that has helped me immensely, I want to speak about it and share it so that others can benefit as well.

So this past 3 months for me has been very different. I haven’t felt moved to share much and even if I did have a momentary nudge of inspiration to speak, I kept getting the message from my internal wisdom “Not yet Glenda. Keep it in house.”

I am now feeling moved to share my story and part of me wants to keep it close to my heart as it is a tender place and I am still on the journey of discovering what is possible. So this is coming from my heart and not a place of having it handled and having it all figured out. I don’t. What I do have are some awarenesses and shifts that have literally changed who I am being and how I am living my life.

Part of what has been holding me back a bit is not knowing where to start. I have kept very good notes of my experience and yet I am not being guided to refer to them. So I will start where I start and see what happens, kinda like how I am living my days right now.

Here we go. In mid November of 2016, I was on a retreat with my coach and the group of people that are in the coaching program with me. It was the midpoint of a year long program called Flight School by the Wide Awakening and it was a launching point of what we each would be focusing on, our “project”, for the next six months. The main reason I joined Flight School, or so I thought, was to really expand my coaching business and maybe look after my body a little along the way, addressing my hormones and energy. So I was really looking forward to this retreat because we would be focusing more on our businesses and in fact, there was an entire day dedicated to just that.

This “business day” was the first day of the retreat and I was excited. Enter back and neck pain and tension that developed into a splitting headache. I was in pain the entire day, pain that brought me to tears. I chose to skip going out for dinner and went back to the condo and went to bed because it was so bad. Message #1 on this trip from my body and I didn’t get it.

Throughout the week, we were discussing what “our piece of the puzzle” was, what we are here to do with our unique skill sets and personality traits combined with the divine part of us. This is something I have not been clear on. I have thought I knew what it was but it was more what I wanted it to be or thought it should be instead of what it is. I have dismissed it and downplayed it because it comes easily to me and I viewed it as not being enough. When my coach asked me “You do know that you are love incarnate, don’t you?” I said no. Aren’t we all here to love and doesn’t everyone love the way I do? Apparently not as the whole group laughed at my question. And I wasn’t able to fully accept that that is one of my gifts because I felt like a fraud. People tell me all the time what a big heart I have and how I emanate love that heals but I haven’t believed them because I couldn’t feel it for myself. I was cut off from it by this belief that I am not enough and by how much I have pushed myself to be something I am not. I haven’t been able to feel the love because I have lived most of my life out of alignment with who I really am.

Message #2 from my body came in the form of a text from my husband. The week before leaving for Quebec, I had 2 more moles removed. Now if you don’t know my story, I have already had 3 melanomas removed from my body. The text said that the nurse from my dermatologist’s office had called and wanted me to phone her. The results were that not one, but both were melanomas and that I had to go back in and have wide excisions done so they could take more tissue to make sure they got all of it. You would think that I would be used to this news by now but I was a little shocked. Seriously? Who has 5 melanomas before the age of 50? When I returned to the group, I broke down in tears as my mortality came to the forefront again. I didn’t get it. Why was I spending the week in pain, my body practically yelling at me and why was I facing dealing with skin cancer yet again?

And then I got it. With the assistance of my coach and people who I consider part of my soul family, I finally go the messages that my body has been trying to give me for the past 40 or so years. The body pain and tension, the hormonal shit show, the digestive issues, exhaustion, a sensitized nervous system that is in fight or flight 90% of the time and the skin cancers have all been trying to tell me how out of alignment I have been living my life. My habit of trying to be someone I am not and then beating myself up for it because I can never do that has been a perpetual feedback loop that has taken a toll on my body and my health. The belief that I tapped into as a child of not being enough and therefore having to strive to be more, to be better, to do it all myself and get it “right”, to people please and put everyone else first has caused me to will my way through life, seeing everything as a responsibility or an obligation. It has robbed my body of health and vitality and it has robbed my life of fun, joy and play. And it will literally rob me of my life if I don’t change my habits of being. I got on that retreat that if I don’t listen to what the melanomas and all the body symptoms have been trying to tell me, then my pancreas will have to start speaking to me in the form of cancer. Both my mom and my Nana died at age 60 of pancreatic cancer. This may seem a little dramatic to you but all I can say is that I know this to be true deep inside of me.

I am flabbergasted with all the work that I have done on myself, all that I have learned and experienced that it has got to this point for me to finally get it. I thought I was listening to my body. Hell, I teach people how to listen to their body wisdom for heaven sakes. It is one of the reasons I am here on this planet. And, I had to experience this to really get it at such a deep level and be of assistance to others who are experiencing the same.

My body has been trying to tell me that expanding my coaching practice in a big way right now is not what is best for me. In fact, it won’t work and it hasn’t. This past year is a testament to that. My body and health were not in a state to be able to receive a the bigger business that I desired. It will be the size it is and new clients will come to me in the perfect timing, as they have been. I get it now. So my “project” for the next 6 months is me. It is not “fixing” me but instead, it is me coming more into alignment with who I really am. It is putting my wellbeing first above everything else. It is healing my body so that it can catch up with all the shifts in consciousness I have experienced so that I can truly thrive in my life and be the piece of the puzzle I am here to be.

I took 8 weeks off work completely and rested. Here is the crazy thing. I didn’t even know how stressed I was!!!!!!!! If you asked me if I was stressed, I would have said no. What did I have to be stressed about? No major dramas were going down in my life. How could I be stressed?

I love this analogy about stress. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will hop right back out of the pot as it’s fight or flight response kicks in. But if you put a frog in a pot of water and then slowly turn up the temperature, it will stay in the pot and die because the heat was increased in small increments. That is how stress was for me and how stress is for a lot of people.

When I gave myself permission to rest, my body took me deep. I was exhausted in a way I had not felt before, not even when I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes. And on top of that, I would be lying in my bed resting and yet my nervous system was completely revved up, in fight or flight, for no apparent reason. My heart would pound, it was difficult to catch my breath, there was tension in my body especially my chest, neck and face and I felt really anxious. It was sooooo uncomfortable! I felt like I was losing my mind some days as I watched myself go through this phase. I am so glad I had support or I might have lost it.

I also went through a period of mourning my life but not in a “poor me” sort of way. I mourned the joy I have missed out on, the love I haven’t been able to receive or feel, how hard I have worked in my life by constantly willing my way through my days and the sadness of my perception of the roles of mom and wife as obligations and responsibilities. All the feelings had to be felt to move through me. I knew this and yet it only made it feel slightly less painful.

This lasted for weeks and then December came with all the kids’ school activities and my Dad visiting for two weeks. I got through that period by asking for a lot of help. For someone who has done everything herself and been uber independent her whole life, this was not easy. But it was necessary so I asked and received the help I needed. And there were times were I defaulted back into my old habits of doing it all and it resulted in me having to rest even more. I remember the moment vividly when I realized that I didn’t know how to go through my day without pushing. Everything seemed like a chore and something I just had to get done. I remember crying as I was heading out the door to grocery shop, wondering how I was going to be afterward because I only knew how to push through it and get it done.

Then Boxing Day came and my eldest daughter began vomiting. And two days later, my youngest daughter began vomiting and also had a horrible cough and congestion complete with a fever. I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep during this time and didn’t feel great but just when they were on the mend, I came down and with the cough/congestion fever. Three weeks of “sickness” in the house was difficult to get through on top of my adrenal exhaustion. What I realized though is that even though I had given myself permission to rest for the latter part of November and the month of December, part of me (my ego) was judging it. I was resting but felt like I should be doing more. So it took being sick on top of the adrenal fatigue for me to surrender and rest fully, without judgement but with acceptance instead. Can you tell that I have a very strong ego that wants to keep running the show?

While it was NOT a very pleasant experience to go through, I am very grateful that I finally came to that place of acceptance and surrender. Because on the other side of it, I am changed. I no longer feel like I am not enough. I no longer live with a feeling of desperation to get somewhere or be anything but myself. And while I am still discovering who the real me is, I am in a place of curiosity and not in a place of fixing. I am much more in the present instead of looking to the future. I am not feeling responsible for others’ journeys and am not carrying other people by worrying about them. I am no longer willing to push my way through my days with productivity and achievement fuelling me. I am learning how to move through my day from inspiration with play and fun while listening every so closely to my body for signals of when I may forget and start pushing. I am taking care of my body with bodywork, nutrition, yoga, meditation and dance.

And every morning, I am starting the day asking the Universe to show me how to live my day from inspiration, to show me what would love do and being curious about who I get to dance with today. I have been learning to be in flow and will continue to do so through my experience. That, I am committed to, 100%. That is what I know.

I am forever grateful to my mentor Jennifer Hough, my soul family (you know who you are), my friends and family for all your love, support and insight and to my husband, Tom, well for everything and for loving me and seeing me in my wholeness.

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you. It has been the biggest gift to me and I have shared it in the hopes that you have received something as well.

Until inspiration strikes again,

Much love,

Glenda

How are you starting your day?

For the past month or so, I’ve been consistently getting up at 5:30 to meditate.

It is time for me when I am the only one awake. I relax into my body and get into my heart. I feel into the places where I am holding tension and melt them with my attention and breath.

It is a time where I give myself much love and compassion, embracing the parts of me that I often push away or ignore.

It is a time where I cultivate the feelings I want to feel within me, be it love, joy, gratitude, pleasure, fulfillment. These feelings are created within me, not relying on an external source, person or circumstance for them to be present.

I give myself the gift of happiness and safety so that I don’t need my protective mechanisms from my childhood to be directing my choices and determining how I am living.

Do I still get triggered and allow my emotions to take me out?

You bet. I am on a human journey after all and so there will be times of forgetting to experience my emotions as sensations in my body and not engaging with them by making them mean something.

I had one of those days yesterday where it seemed like every little thing was pissing me off.

I had moments where I could feel that discomfort in my body but I just opened to it and breathed and didn’t engage with the irritation/frustration.

And I had moments where I yelled and projected and was in a funk.

I still react. AND I don’t react as much as I used to. I am having more and more moments of understanding and seeing what is going underneath the trigger and emotion.

One might say, “You are still reacting so the meditation isn’t working.” My ego likes that belief. And I’m choosing not to believe it because I know that it is making a difference.

I give myself freedom from within every day, first thing in the morning. It gets me out of bed early every time because I know how I feel when I don’t.

It is my choice to start each day with setting my internal compass in the direction I desire to go.

It is my choice to start the day emanating the vibrations of love and compassion and being in my heart instead of my head.

How are you choosing to start your day?

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

It is Time to Come Home to Wholeness

So what do I even mean by wholeness? Am I not a whole person right now and if I’m not, how the heck do I become whole?

That was my reaction when I would hear people talking about becoming whole or returning to wholeness. It was a language that really had no meaning to me.

So yes, you are a whole person. You are whole and complete. But that doesn’t mean you are living from that place of wholeness.

In other words, there are parts of us that we haven’t fully embraced and accepted yet. They are the parts that we disowned or suppressed when we were kids.

For me, some of my disowned parts are the incompetent part that never has her shit together; the failure part that always makes mistakes, the centre stage part that loves getting all the attention.
These are just a few of them. The reason they are disowned parts is because when I was a child, I took on the belief that being any of those parts would result in dire consequences – being abandoned, not accepted, not loved and not safe. I became very competent and smart and independent so I didn’t need attention. So I packed them up and hid them away, not to be seen or acknowledged for fear that if anyone saw them, I would be hurt in some way.

So I have spent the majority of my life not living from wholeness. I have embraced the shiny parts that I like but not the ones I don’t like. The fear is that if I embraced them that I would become them and I sure as hell didn’t want that!

But that fear is an illusion of our ego’s making and it is one that keeps us from expressing all of ourselves out into the world. And they are secretly pulling the strings from behind the curtain.
How are they doing that you may ask? Well, because they are a part of our internal world, and even though we aren’t acknowledging them, they are crying out to us to get our attention by creating what shows up in our outer world.

As an example, the incompetent part of me that I disowned has created people in my life appearing to be incompetent. It doesn’t mean they are incompetent, I just perceive them that way. And then I get triggered by the perceived incompetence and get pissed off that I have to do it all because apparently no one else is competent enough to get it done right. Sound familiar?

In fact, not embracing my incompetent part is the best way to have it show up. It has shown up in my life by me not having my shit together like I used to and making lots of mistakes.

So the incompetent part of me is trying to get my attention by me seeing it in myself or others and getting triggered by it. And when I feel triggered, it shows up as a sensation in my body. In me, it is a tightness on the right side of my neck that gives me a headache. The moment I feel incompetent in myself or I see it in another, the neck pain and headache show up. That incompetent part of me is literally speaking to me through my body. My neck goes into a gripping/splinting pattern to protect myself and pain ensues.

The way to stop this perceived incompetence showing up in my life is for me to go inward and see it in myself. It is to acknowledge and be with it. It is to give it my attention and then when I am able to, to embrace it with love and compassion and welcome it back home. This is how we bring the splintered pieces of us back home to ourselves. As long as we are pushing them away and denying their existence, they will try to get our attention by showing up in ourselves, in other people and in our experiences.

It is time to embrace all the parts of ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is time to give them love and compassion and encompass them into our whole being. The time of disliking and beating ourselves up is over. We are human and the human experience includes loving all of ourselves and not excluding any part. Embracing the parts you don’t like does not mean that you become them. In fact, embracing them means that they stop trying to get your attention by showing up in your body and in your outer world.

It is how we heal ourselves. It is whole person healing from the inside out. It is part of thriving in life and I for one, am down with that.

My Costa Rican Takeaway

I am freshly back from a week in Costa Rica. It was my first time in the rainforest and it affected me deeply.

I was on a retreat which is part of a year long program called Flight School with Jennifer Hough. We spent the week letting go of identities that we have lived our lives from. Perspectives were shifted and we connected through our hearts to the truth of who we are.

I had so many new awarenesses come to me but there is one that has impacted me the most. Stay with me as I need to set the scene for you first.

During the past 5 years of my life, I have felt drained, overwhelmed and cut off from the love and beauty and joy that I knew was all around me. I knew it was there but I didn’t feel it. So of course, I felt like there was something wrong with me, something that needed fixing.

What I now know to be true is that I was in survival mode, checking off the boxes on my to do list, getting things done and making sure it was done “right”. It is a reflection of the identities/patterns I have operated from which is “having everything handled”, “not needing anyone and doing it all myself”. These are protective mechanisms I took on as a child to keep me feeling safe.

Aliveness and Vitality were not part of my vocabulary. I sure as hell didn’t feel that way and I had no idea how to bring those sensations into my life. Aliveness and vitality are part of thriving and when you are in survival mode, you are not thriving and you definitely don’t feel them.

This past year I have been in inquiry of how I can bring those feelings online for myself. What has presented is to start thriving by letting go of those protective mechanisms, changing my habits of behaviour and ways of being and opening my heart to let love in.

I am in a space of not having everything handled and needing people to help me so that I am not doing it all. It feels very unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable but also very freeing.

I have noticed my energy levels have increased and I am starting to feel my zest for life return and excitement for the new opportunities that are showing up for me. I am happier, more relaxed and willing to let go of the reigns as I take a stand for love instead of fear.

I am no longer willing to make my choices from fear and I understand that EVERYTHING that shows up in my life is for me in some way. That is the dance of life – taking one step at a time that is responded in turn by the Universe. It is not easy and it requires courage but it is the way to thrive and feel expansive instead of shut down.

Now, back to Costa Rica… Every morning I would get up early and walk to the top of the mountain we were staying on. It was a very steep climb which I called the “Flight School Ass” walk because our gluts were definitely getting a good workout.

The road was flanked on either side by the most amazing plants. Take any plant you have ever seen and increase the size 10 fold and that is what I saw. Bamboo the size of tree trunks extended way up in the air. Birds of paradise flowers towered over us. 

And the sounds!!! Oh my goodness! The sounds of the rainforest are amazing and almost deafening at times. The aliveness was so uber apparent and all my senses were being bombarded from every direction. It was aliveness on steroids people!!!

You couldn’t help but be in the present moment. There was so much to see, hear, smell and feel. My body buzzed with the energy that surrounded me and as I opened to it, I felt the aliveness within me as well.

It truly was intoxicating and as I took in the view from the top of the mountain, I felt moved to tears as I felt so much expansion in my being and love for everything around me. The beauty was breathtaking and it touched me deeply.

Not a bad way to start the day, hey?

So I was immersed in that aliveness for a week. I had nothing pulling on me, no one needing anything from me and very little responsibility. It was easy to relax and let go of control and just focus on myself. It felt amazing.

As I made the journey back home, I began to ponder, how can I bring that aliveness home with me? How can I feel the way I did in Costa Rica back home in Edmonton? After all, I have a family and a business and friends and and and….

I can’t just hide myself away in Costa Rica forever (or could I?;)).

I don’t have a complete answer for you at the moment but I will share what has come into my awareness so far.

Every morning, I am taking time by myself to remember my experience in Costa Rica – what I saw, how I felt, and what I learned. I bring that experience into my body and can duplicate those feelings of aliveness and peace. What you can do is remember a time when you felt your desired feelings, whatever they may be – joy, peace, aliveness, excitement, etc. and see if you can reproduce those feelings in your body by remembering them.

I am moving my body every day, whether it be walking, yoga, cycling, dancing. It doesn’t really matter how. Especially if I feel stuck or something is really bothering me, I stop what I’m doing and get up and move. This moves energy throughout my body and often that is all that is needed for me to move forward again. So I am listening to when my body doesn’t feel good and shifting the energy through movement.

Another important component for me is being out in nature. I went for a walk after dropping off the girls at school this morning. I took in the beauty of the fall leaves and the blue sky and tried to stay present by tuning into what my senses were receiving. I start work later in the day so I can take that time but if you are off to work in the morning, you can get outside at lunch or on a break or after work. There are ways to incorporate being in nature into your day if you make it a priority. I find it so incredibly grounding.

We all learned this in school but this perspective really shifted things for me. The trees are literally breathing out the oxygen that we breathe in and we are breathing out the carbon dioxide that the trees take in. We are in relationship with the trees whether we realize it or not and it has increased my appreciation for them even more.

Nature is such a great example of harmony. It is wired for harmony and because we are made from particles of the universe, like everything in nature is, we too are wired for harmony (even if it doesn’t feel that way!).

So that necessitates that we aren’t in go go go mode all the time. We are not in harmony in that state. It is how we get drained. Harmony is a combination of doing and being. It is giving and receiving. We can’t receive in survival mode. It shuts of our receiving capacity. It involves times to slow down and look after yourself. It requires getting off the treadmill of to do’s and taking some breaks. It requires listening to what your body is telling you. It is always telling us when we are not in harmony by not feeling good.

And you may be saying, that’s all fine and dandy Glenda but there is so much to do and not enough time to get it done. I hear you as that thought often runs through my mind. So what is the answer? 

Well, maybe there are some things on your to do list that are really not necessary. That would be the first thing to look at to see if there is anything you can cross off. And the next step is to ask for help. 

Getting ready for school didn’t go so well this morning. So I had a conversation with my girls about what we can do differently, how they can help more so that the morning isn’t rushed and we can enjoy it more. They were quite receptive to it. These little things all add up and it frees up my energy to be more present, to connect with them more and live with more aliveness instead of operating from the fumes at the bottom of the empty gas tank.

It is an ongoing inquiry of my path to more aliveness and vitality in my life. I will keep you posted…

And if you want to deepen your own inquiry about how to move from burn out and overwhelm to thriving, drop me a line and let’s get you moving down that path.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

Surviving or Thriving?

A couple of newsletters ago, I talked about letting go of controlling and worrying and having everything handled. It is a journey of unravelling a pattern I have engaged in since I was a little kid.

It hasn’t been easy or pretty for that matter but it has been worth it. And don’t get me wrong, it is still an ongoing process.

What  I am noticing though is that my energy levels are increasing. I don’t feel that urge to lie down and have a nap in the afternoon and I have more energy for tasks throughout my day.

With this renewed energy has come this desire for my body to become strong again. I have been an athlete my entire life so the relative inactivity since having my kids has not felt great.

I have not felt like working out the past 5 years and if I pushed myself to do so, I didn’t feel good like I thought I would. I felt more depleted and my body hurt in a not so good way. It was super frustrating as I tried time and time again until I finally backed off, resorting to just walking and stretching.

I have beat myself up these past 5 years for not being in better shape and yet knew deep down that pushing through was not the way either. What I realize now is that my life force energy was not available for working out. It wasn’t even enough to get through my daily activities without feeling exhausted. And my sex drive? What sex drive?

Paraphrasing what my coach said to me, “Glenda, the fundamental reason animals and humans have been given the ability to have sex is procreation. Do animals procreate when they are in survival mode? No wonder you have no sex drive. There is no energy left it the tank when in survival mode. Stop being so hard on yourself and let’s look at filling your tank back up.”

My energy was tied up in trying to control things, worrying about the future, feeling guilt and shame about my past and where I am now, people pleasing, carrying responsibilities that weren’t mine to carry, and the flip side of that – not taking full responsibility of what is mine to own which resulted in giving my power away. 

My energy was also tied up in doing everything on my own, not letting people in, having to get it right and resisting what was showing up in my life.

When I look at this list of energy zappers, it is no wonder I didn’t have any energy left for actually doing what I really want to do instead of the activities of just getting by.

So I am literally shifting from survival mode to thriving. I can feel the energy shift in my body as it lights it up from the inside. It feels tingly, expansive, alive and truly pleasurable. I don’t feel it all the time but I am noticing it more often and it feels really good.

You may be saying to yourself “Well, I’m not in survival mode.” Um… you just might be. If you are not thriving and feeling alive inside, you are in survival mode. If you are up in your head a lot, stressed or engaging with any protective mechanism such as hiding out, controlling, blaming, judging, having expectations, (and the list goes on), you are surviving your life instead of thriving. Just a little something to chew on;)

And… I am back working out! I am alternating between getting out on my rode bike cycling and doing a strength/stretching workout. I have some soreness but it is workout soreness and not the pain that used to knock me out. I can’t remember a time when my body has felt this physically tired. It has been a long time. And it is a good tired. 

What I am noticing when my body is in this physical state of fatigue is that I am in a state of surrender. I literally can’t hold onto anything and I am more in flow. And even though my body is tired after a workout, I feel more alive than I have in years. Isn’t that interesting?

So if exercising is depleting you instead of increasing your aliveness, maybe your body is giving you the message that something’s gotta give first. Maybe your energy tank is running on fumes and filling it back up requires letting go of patterns of behaviour, habits of being that are no longer serving you.

And watch that you don’t use this possibility as an excuse not to start exercising. You have to try it first and see how you feel inside, depleted or enlivened. You may find that exercising does light you up instead of depleting you like your ego thought it would. You won’t know unless you give it a whirl.

This work is my specialty so if you are desiring guidance on how to fill yourself up and partner with your body, how to shift from surviving to thriving, reach out to me and let’s have a conversation. Just that step alone, starts energy moving.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

Why Do You Always Have to Be Right?

Do you know someone who always has to be right or thinks they are always right?

Kinda annoying huh?

I have been triggered by these people and have judged them. Why? Because I am one of them.

I have spent the majority of my life being the uber competent, independent, smart one that can do it all on her own without needing any help.

It has served me well in some respects and not so well in others. It has put walls up around my heart. It has made me harder and less accessible.

My husband has said to me in the past “Why do you always have to be right? Are you ready to drop your position yet?”

Ouch!

And he is right on the money.

Here’s why some of us feel that we have to be right. Because of an experience or experiences we had as children, we believed that we had to be that way in order to be loved, accepted and safe. Being right is a protective mechanism, a pattern of behaviour that we adopted to feel good enough or worthy in some way.

And that pattern can become so ingrained in us that it continues to run the show into adulthood. It is our default way of being until we can become aware of it. Once we have awareness of our patterns, then we have choice about whether we continue operating the same way or making some conscious changes.

This is what it feels like to operate under the pattern of having to be right:

You honestly feel like you have to be right, do it right, get it right, “win” the conversation, and have the last word. You are operating from the subconscious belief, “The fallout doesn’t matter as long as I am right at the end of the day. That is all that matters.”

The ego has you thinking that this is necessary if you want to remain being accepted, loved and safe. Isn’t that some crazy ass bullshit? 

It literally feels like survival. It actually really sucks. I’d much rather be thriving vs. surviving wouldn’t you?

It is these survival protective mechanisms that have us in stress/fear mode as our default way of being instead of being calm, in flow and enjoying life.

It puts walls up around our hearts. It keeps love out. We literally aren’t able to receive in the capacity that is available to us. We are in fight or flight ready to put up our dukes or get the hell out of dodge. The adrenaline and cortisol are coursing through our blood streams. We feel anxious and stressed. So NOT fun.

The saying “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” is so true. Our egos have us thinking that being right is the most important thing but it really isn’t. Having deeply connected loving relationships is. Moving from operating under the ego’s control to living from our hearts is truly the way to happiness. It is not from your mind.

And because I have to be right, saying sorry has been so difficult. My ego has had me believing that if I say I’m sorry, then I am not right and I won’t be valued.  What another great bullshit excuse to keep me separate and keep me away from relationships of the heart!

Now, saying sorry for me is a lot easier than it used to be. I used to  cringe inside as I managed to get the words out between clenched teeth. Sometimes it didn’t even occur to me to apologize because I was so not used to it.

I am also having a lot more compassion for myself as I understand that me behaving that way is simply a pattern and is not a reflection of who I really am.

For those of you who this way of being resonates, you may be asking, how do I stop operating that way?

One step is to start saying sorry first, saying sorry for having to have the last word, saying sorry for getting triggered and taking it out on someone else. It isn’t apologizing for who you are. It is apologizing for your behaviour and it’s effect on someone else. It is being sorry that you reacted from your protective mechanisms instead of from who you really are. And do not beat yourself up you are human and we all have protective patterns.

Just start noticing when you feel like you have to have the last word or prove your point. Be gentle with yourself.

Either you can relate to what I’m talking about or you know someone who fits this picture. My hope is that you have a better understanding of yourself or of someone you know, whatever the case may be. Having better understanding of people and ourselves is what deepens relationships. It allows for vulnerability when there is a soft spot to land. It allows our hearts to open more and to live from love.

If this is a pattern for you that you really are wanting to let go of, email me and let’s start you moving down that path towards freedom.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

Closing a door…

You have heard me use the phrase “When one door closes, another one opens but it is hell in the hallway” before. It speaks to the discomfort of the unknown we feel in the transition phase between letting go of something old and starting something new. The not knowing is uncomfortable for us because our ego minds want to know. Thinking we know where we are heading is a form of controlling and keeping ourselves safe. It is a protective mechanism that our ego thinks will keep us from being hurt in some way. So our egos hate the unknown, hence the discomfort.

There are times when the doors close on us, when we aren’t really being given a choice. It is when we must move on to something new. It may be losing a job or a relationship ending that isn’t our choosing. We are blatantly being shown that we must let go and move on. While this doesn’t feel great, I actually prefer it because there is no second guessing, questioning whether or not to let go. It just is what it is and I can focus my energy on moving forward into something new.

What I find to be more difficult is when I am being guided to close the door myself. It’s when I have a choice about staying where I am at or closing the door and moving in a new direction. Then it is up to me to decide. This takes more courage especially when you are attached to what you are being asked to let go of. Changing direction and taking a different path isn’t always about leaving something that is “bad”. It isn’t always about leaving a “bad” relationship or a “bad” situation. It is easier when you are being asked to leave something that you don’t really like. For me, the most difficult time is when my soul is asking me to let go of something or people I love. It makes no logical sense so I can’t even wrap my head around it and give my mind peace. And try explaining it to people! I can’t even find the words other than “I just know this is right”. I can’t make people understand why I am making the choices I am. In the end, nobody can “get” it.

This is the walk when you choose to co-create with the universe. It’s when you let go of knowing at a mind level and you let go of controlling the outcomes. It’s when you let go of expectations and try to have other people understand you, never mind like you. It is when you follow your deep sense of knowing that you can’t explain. It is when you follow your “yes” until it becomes a clear yes or a clear no. It is asking for guidance and help from Source, not trying to do it all on your own. It’s when the discomfort of change begins to morph into curiosity and excitement about what is to come instead of fear and dread that keep you stuck.

I am in the process of learning and practising to live this way. Pretty well every area of my life is unknown at the moment. It doesn’t feel comfortable at all as my ego doth protest a fricking lot! Talk about a time to have so much compassion and grace for myself. It is literally like learning a new way to walk, like a toddler taking her first steps. I have to keep reminding myself to stop controlling and hand everything over to the universe. I am so used to doing it all on my own. Have done it a long time. And it has cost me in so many ways. I am no longer willing to live that way and so learning to walk again is the choice I am making.

Why am I doing this? Trying to do everything on my own has cost me my wellbeing. It has depleted my energy reserves such that I don’t have any energy left to enjoy myself. My hormones are in the tank and my nervous system has been in fight or flight (stress) mode a very long time. And we have all heard about the toll stress has on one’s health. I don’t want to wait until I have some major health issue to make the changes I am embarking on now.

I want to remember how to play. I want to have more energy and increased vitality so I can create and play and enjoy the shit out of my life. I don’t want to keep limiting the infinite possibilities that are available to me by continuing to control, judge and have expectations that I hold onto.

And so, I am letting go. I am closing some doors and am willing to be in the unknown for as long as it takes. This is the year to do it. For those of you who follow numerology, this is a “9” year. It is an ending of a cycle year with a fresh 9 year cycle beginning in 2017. I am willing to dance with the universe, responding to each other’s steps, one by one. I have help from my higher levels and from my human guides. This is not easy to do on your own and I wouldn’t recommend it. Get some guidance and support as you learn to walk a new way. Your way.

What is presenting for you to let go of? What door are you being asked to close? Are you ready and willing to be in the unknown so that your life truly thrives instead of being in survival mode and feeling “meh”? If you are, I would love to show you the way. Send me an email and let’s chat.

And if you aren’t ready to make changes and let go of your protective mechanisms, it is all good. This is a very personal decision and you will know when the time is right. You will feel it deep in your bones. Trust that. Where you are currently at in your journey is perfect. No judgement, only acceptance, compassion and love.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

Is this the right path?

Have you ever said no to something right away because it creates fear in you or you just can’t see a way it is possible? I would fathom a guess that I have done this hundreds of times. It is a safety issue, a protective mechanism because if we say “no” then nothing changes and everything stays the same. It is comfortable. It is our egos doing a bang up job of keeping us safe.

The problem is that when we allow the ego to run the show and say “no” right off the bat, we are limiting ourselves from experiencing the possibilities that life has to offer. We stay safe, in the middle zone, where it is comfortable and where we feel we have control. It may keep us from feeling the discomfort of grief or anger or fear AND it also keeps us from experiencing the joy and love and peace that is available to us. You can’t just stop the “bad” feelings and experience the “good” ones at the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes, experiencing the “good” feelings comes through feeling the uncomfortable ones first. Living life is about the totality of the full spectrum of emotions that we as humans, get to experience.

Here is a different way to live that I have been playing with recently. When something shows up in my awareness, I say “yes” to it. Because God/Universe/Source (GUS) is constantly conspiring for us, I believe that whatever comes into my awareness/reality is for me is some way. It is for my highest and best good. I say “yes” until it becomes a clear “yes” or a clear “no”. So this doesn’t mean that the path that presents is the right one all the time but we won’t know until we take that first step. It’s about taking the steps forward until you become clear about staying on the path or taking another one. There are no mistakes. If it isn’t the right path, you will be redirected.

What we like to do and what feels safe is to be clear about whether this is the right path before we take the first step. But it is like waiting to feel confident before taking that first step. Confidence comes from taking action. It is a result of taking those steps forward. Waiting for confidence to show up first is ass-backwards! GUS rewards action. Taking action tells GUS that you are ready for something new and you won’t know if it is the right path until you step onto it.

So let’s say you say “yes” and start taking steps forwards to making a change or trying something new. Then what happens? All hell breaks loose! Shit hits the fan! This must mean that it is the wrong path, right? You are being given all the evidence that this is not the right way. Mmm… not so much. That so called evidence is actually evidence of your ego freaking out, of your ego having a hissy fit! Remember how much it hates the unknown and discomfort? It’s numero uno job is to keep you safe and this change stuff definitely does not feel safe. So it is going to throw all this crap at you to dissuade you from moving forward at all. In fact, it wants you to retreat back into your safety zone of “no change”.

Now what’s a girl to do? How the heck do I know whether it is the right path or not? Do I keep going forward or do I change course?

Keep moving forward until you become clear. If it truly is the wrong path, GUS will let you know again and redirect you. If it is just your ego having a tantrum, you will move through it and find it is the right path. The other option is to stop or retreat but where does that leave you? In the same place you started from. Sound kinda boring? Here’s the thing, you wouldn’t have had the desire, the thought, or the inspiration to make a change unless it was for you to do. So what if the steps aren’t linear, taking you from point A to point B? So what if there are some detours along the way? What if those detours had life experience and wisdom for you that you wouldn’t have if the path was linear?

There are no mistakes. Period. Just redirects. All is happening for our highest and best good. Don’t worry if you are making a mistake or not. Just take the steps forward and all will become clear. I promise.

This has been my journey over this past month. I have followed the “yes” I have been feeling even though it has felt uncomfortable at times, even though I have had to have courage to do so and even though some very difficult conversations have had to be had as a result. I have grown, shifted and learned so much about myself over this short period of time. Intermixed with the uncomfortable feelings has also been feelings of excitement, presence, fulfillment and confidence. Yes, the “bad” feelings can exist at the same time as the “good” feelings. It is wholeness. It is our privilege of being human.

Feeling it all is the way to thriving in life instead of surviving. Letting go of the protective mechanisms like controlling, people pleasing, perfectionism, staying small, and doing everything on your own is the way. Wanna join me? What can you let go of today?

How I Manifested My Husband

Manifested my husband??? Yep, and I will tell you how.

I don’t know that I have told this story in its entirety but it is coming up for me so here it is.

It was late in the summer of 2006. I had spent the summer casually dating a guy, which I had never done before. In the past, I tended to have longer relationships with time in between.

My dad and I then flew to France in September for a two week cycling trip with a cycle tour company. It was on this trip that I met Richard, one of the tour guides.

He was awesome and I REALLY liked him. We had a lot in common and I truly enjoyed hanging out with him. I hadn’t felt this way about a guy in quite a while.

AND he had just got ENGAGED right before our trip!!!!!

WTF?!!!!!!

Why on earth would I end up meeting a guy that I really like when he isn’t even available?

I was thinking about this question on the flight home when my dad turned to me and said “Do you see yourself married to someone like Richard?”

It kind of blew me away that he asked me that but my answer was “yes”.

And then I got the answer to why I had met Richard. It was to point out that what I had with casual dude was not what I wanted and that there are guys like Richard out there.

I came home and began a daily morning practice. I would wake up, meditate, review my goals, read a personal growth book of some description, and workout out on my bike trainer while listening to a Course in Miracles.

These were my goals:

1. I will meet my soul mate by January 2007.

2. I will be engaged by January 2007.

3. I will be married by January 2008.

Engaged within 3 months? Yep.

I had also made a list of all the qualities I wanted my partner to have. I think there were 52 points on that list. I read that list every day and celebrated seeing those qualities in whoever I had met that day.

I had been doing this practice for about a week when in my meditation, I received a message to call Tom.

I had met Tom 5 years before at Kinsmen Sports Centre Physical Therapy Clinic. He had been a patient of mine. We had a lot in common, both loving cycling and cross-country skiing and I really enjoyed chatting to him.

When we first met, the thought of dating him never even entered my head. He was a patient, he had a girlfriend and we were at different places in our lives at that time as he is 6 years younger than me.

So over the years, because he is a massage therapist, we had referred patients to one another who needed treatment. Other than that, we really didn’t have any contact with one another.

You can imagine I was a little surprised when I got the nudge to call him. I had no idea if he was seeing anyone at the time. I called him and invited him for coffee to see my pics from my cycling trip.

So we met and had a 4 hour coffee date! We closed the place down. I had ended things with casual dude and he wasn’t seeing anyone either.

Over the next month of October, we had 3 more dates – a yoga class (where we were the only 2 in the class), a lecture and an impromptu dinner after seeing each other at a ski sale.

And then right before my birthday on November 10, he asked me to marry him. I said “yes” without hesitation.

All through our courtship, short as it was, I had this deep sense of peace, a deep knowing that he was the one for me. Even though it had all happened so quickly, I felt the truth of us being together.

Here’s a funny side note: Tom’s parents had left for a 2 month trip to New Zealand and Australia before we started dating and they returned after we got engaged. The first time I met them, they had just returned home and we told them we were getting married. How’s that for a homecoming?

If you are keeping track of the timing, I met Tom at the end of September 2006, got engaged in November 2006 and we had our wedding in September of 2007.

My wedding day was truly the happiest day of my life. Everything flowed and happened with ease and I felt so much love for everyone. I couldn’t stop smiling all day.

There truly hasn’t been a single moment when I have wondered whether or not I made the right decision marrying him. We’ve been married almost 9 years now and we are still going strong.

Now, you can look at this story and say it is just coincidence and that I just got “lucky”.

OR you could believe that it was the goals that made it happen and that goal setting is the way. I used to believe this to be true but they are only part of the equation.

Now what I know to be true is that it was the energetic vibrational frequency I was emitting. This vibration was created by becoming clear about my desires, believing my desires could come true and by being in a state of love and expansion. I then took the inspired action of calling him.

I called him to me through my vibrational frequency. I magnetized him. I manifested him.

He was a match to the vibrational frequency that I was emitting. And he manifested me in his life. Like attracts like.

I am not telling you this story today to brag in any way. I am telling this story to provide an example of what powerful creators we all are. We are creating and manifesting all the time.

Yes, ALL the time.

A lot of the time, 96% in fact, we are creating subconsciously. Only 4% of what we create is a result of our conscious minds. So if we are creating all the time, why not create consciously?

Why not put our attention and focus on what we truly desire? Why not actually allow ourselves to dream and become clear about our desires in the first place?

Then believe they can happen. And if anything is getting in the way of believing, instead of ignoring it or pushing it aside, face it and look it in the eyes. BE with your fears. Shine a light on them so they can transform. Ignoring them does not get rid of them. They will still run the show and create your world.

The lives that we experience are a result of the lense we look through. We see what we believe, consciously or subconsciously.
If you don’t like what you are looking at, what are you believing that is creating your results?

It’s a great place to start.

And if you are desiring to be free of your story, be free of your unknown and known limiting beliefs, I am here to be of service.

It is my mission to help people free themselves so they can truly thrive and love their lives.

My hope is that telling my story has ignited the spark in you that knows your Truth, that is ready to come out of hiding and shine.

And if this story has triggered you in any way, pissed you off or made you feel sad, I love you and let’s talk.

Much love,

Glenda

Are you a holder?

I sure am and I am very good at it.

I hold on to tension physically in my body. I hold on to physical stuff that I no longer need (not at hoarder status though). I hold on to emotions and habits that no longer serve me. And I am really good at holding on to other people’s shit!

It wasn’t until this past year that I realized how much I carry other people’s energies. It was damn crowded inside of me and didn’t leave much room for me. This looks like carrying the responsibility for others, trying to save people, people pleasing, worrying about what others think of me, being who I think you want me to be.

Sound familiar? I have cleared and shifted A LOT of energy in me this past year! I gotta tell you, it feels SO good to not be carrying and holding energies of others and just have me in my space.

And despite it feeling so much better, letting go is still not easy yet. I have let go of a 23 year career. I have let go of relationships. I have let go of feeling responsible for others and of holding all that is not mine to hold.

And the letting go continues…

Sometimes I feel relief and freedom. Sometimes I feel sadness. And through all of it, I am feeling and knowing more and more of myself.

So much is coming into my awareness right now that is ready to be let go of. All that isn’t in alignment with who I am being, is surfacing for me to see and say good bye to. It can feel really overwhelming and it does feel like a lot. And I did let it take me out a bit but now I see that all this falling away of that which is not in alignment with me, is for me. It is for my highest and best good.

So I am writing this today because I know I am not alone in this time of letting go. Keep breathing, being gentle with yourself and know that the letting go is one of the most loving things you can do for you and everyone.

Much love to you.

Glenda