My ten year wedding anniversary is today. Wow! What a ride it has been.
About a year ago, I wrote a blog post called How I Manifested My Husband. If you’d like to read it, click here. This post, in particular, was one that I received a lot of feedback from so in honour of Tom and I celebrating 10 years of marriage, I thought I would write a sequel, a part 2.
Relationships require commitment, not only to each other but to keep growing and evolving as individuals and as partners. There have been times of flow and grace and times that have been difficult and felt hard.
Our mantra is “there is no back door” meaning there is no escape route from our relationship. We are in it for the long haul, which requires us to look at and own our own shit. It means being honest with and taking full responsibility for ourselves and our actions, no matter how much it may make us cringe.
Our wedding ceremony was a reflection of this. Each family member on both sides received a flower. At the beginning of the ceremony, they each put their flowers in a vase, one for Tom’s family and one for mine. In addition to their flowers, there was a rose signifying Tom and rose signifying me.
After the “I do’s”, the minister combined the flowers from each family into one vase saying that this was not just a marriage of two people but a coming together of two families. He left one rose in each of the vases and didn’t combine them with the other flowers.
What he said next has stayed with me over the past ten years. He said that even though we have become husband and wife and have made a commitment to one another, we are still two individuals within the relationship and to stay true to who we are.
There is Tom. There is me. And then there is Tom and me together.
In my past relationships, I lost sight of that. I would lose myself in the other person, trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be even if it went against my own values. I didn’t feel like I was enough being true to myself and so I morphed myself to please the other person. No wonder it never worked out. Thank goodness!
When Tom and I first got together, I was in a really really good place. I was taking such good care of myself on all levels. I was exercising, meditating, having a lot of fun and was very much in my heart. I believed that I would find my soul mate and was very hopeful.
I was not, however, attached to the outcome. In other words, I had made peace with the possibility that I might not find the relationship that I was desiring and yet, I could still have a very happy and fulfilling life. I was getting on with enjoying and truly living my life. I was in flow.
I wasn’t pining after some future love or regretting or rehashing one from the past. I wasn’t trying to “make it happen” or worrying about what if it never happened. I wasn’t waiting to meet “the one” before I became happy. I wasn’t trying to figure it all out and question why it hadn’t happened for me yet. There was no desperation about it even though I was in my late thirties with the so called clock ticking. To be clear, I had done all that stuff in the past but I had come to a place where I had let go of all those habits.
I truly liked myself and wasn’t willing to morph anymore. If someone didn’t like me the way I was, Oh well, not a good fit. My happiness and well being did not depend on finding my soul mate. I was already good. And that is how I magnetized Tom to me. Let me say that again. I was already good. It was easy and effortless and seemingly all fell into place.
So if there is a secret sauce to finding “the one”, that is it. It’s not all the goals I made or the list of characteristics I desired in a mate. It wasn’t from setting intentions or visualizing ad nausium.
It wasn’t about what I was doing. It was about who I had become, who I was being. Like attracts like and if you are desiring to attract someone with certain qualities, be those qualities. If you are desiring to be with someone that you love and are very happy with, then love yourself first and be happy. Be it. Create your own happy instead of waiting to find it in another.
I love the saying “Be the change you want to see”. It is so true. Be the love you want to receive. Be in your heart and create your life from that space. This applies to all of us, whether we are single or in relationships.
And if you want to have a vision of what you desire, go for it. But hold it loosely without expectations of what the outcome and the steps look like so you can remain open to receiving something even better than you can imagine.
We are absolutely meant to thrive. I was thriving, not in survival mode. And it is truly fascinating as I reflect back on our relationship at this 10 year mark, I am finding myself now moving towards thriving again. It’s been a 10 year journey from thriving and being in flow at the beginning of our marriage to being in survival mode and now full circling back to flow again.
What happened during the past 10 years that took me out of flow?As I became a wife and a mom and a coach, I let those identities and self imposed pressures of those roles take me out. It was all at a subconscious level of course, but it still was my creation. I’m not beating myself up for it because I have learned so much about myself because of that experience. It was all for me. And I am so grateful now for the awareness of what took me off course so that I can get on with redirecting myself back into flow and loving myself even more.
And through it all, my love for Tom has never wavered. Sure we’ve had disagreements. What couple doesn’t? But what got us through difficult moments is letting love win. And it is still winning.
Happy Ten Year Anniversary to my amazing husband who I truly love more and more with each passing day. May we keep letting love win for many many more years to come!