Do you know someone who always has to be right or thinks they are always right?
Kinda annoying huh?
I have been triggered by these people and have judged them. Why? Because I am one of them.
I have spent the majority of my life being the uber competent, independent, smart one that can do it all on her own without needing any help.
It has served me well in some respects and not so well in others. It has put walls up around my heart. It has made me harder and less accessible.
My husband has said to me in the past “Why do you always have to be right? Are you ready to drop your position yet?”
And he is right on the money.
Here’s why some of us feel that we have to be right. Because of an experience or experiences we had as children, we believed that we had to be that way in order to be loved, accepted and safe. Being right is a protective mechanism, a pattern of behaviour that we adopted to feel good enough or worthy in some way.
And that pattern can become so ingrained in us that it continues to run the show into adulthood. It is our default way of being until we can become aware of it. Once we have awareness of our patterns, then we have choice about whether we continue operating the same way or making some conscious changes.
This is what it feels like to operate under the pattern of having to be right:
You honestly feel like you have to be right, do it right, get it right, “win” the conversation, and have the last word. You are operating from the subconscious belief, “The fallout doesn’t matter as long as I am right at the end of the day. That is all that matters.”
The ego has you thinking that this is necessary if you want to remain being accepted, loved and safe. Isn’t that some crazy ass bullshit?
It literally feels like survival. It actually really sucks. I’d much rather be thriving vs. surviving wouldn’t you?
It is these survival protective mechanisms that have us in stress/fear mode as our default way of being instead of being calm, in flow and enjoying life.
It puts walls up around our hearts. It keeps love out. We literally aren’t able to receive in the capacity that is available to us. We are in fight or flight ready to put up our dukes or get the hell out of dodge. The adrenaline and cortisol are coursing through our blood streams. We feel anxious and stressed. So NOT fun.
The saying “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” is so true. Our egos have us thinking that being right is the most important thing but it really isn’t. Having deeply connected loving relationships is. Moving from operating under the ego’s control to living from our hearts is truly the way to happiness. It is not from your mind.
And because I have to be right, saying sorry has been so difficult. My ego has had me believing that if I say I’m sorry, then I am not right and I won’t be valued. What another great bullshit excuse to keep me separate and keep me away from relationships of the heart!
Now, saying sorry for me is a lot easier than it used to be. I used to cringe inside as I managed to get the words out between clenched teeth. Sometimes it didn’t even occur to me to apologize because I was so not used to it.
I am also having a lot more compassion for myself as I understand that me behaving that way is simply a pattern and is not a reflection of who I really am.
For those of you who this way of being resonates, you may be asking, how do I stop operating that way?
One step is to start saying sorry first, saying sorry for having to have the last word, saying sorry for getting triggered and taking it out on someone else. It isn’t apologizing for who you are. It is apologizing for your behaviour and it’s effect on someone else. It is being sorry that you reacted from your protective mechanisms instead of from who you really are. And do not beat yourself up you are human and we all have protective patterns.
Just start noticing when you feel like you have to have the last word or prove your point. Be gentle with yourself.
Either you can relate to what I’m talking about or you know someone who fits this picture. My hope is that you have a better understanding of yourself or of someone you know, whatever the case may be. Having better understanding of people and ourselves is what deepens relationships. It allows for vulnerability when there is a soft spot to land. It allows our hearts to open more and to live from love.
If this is a pattern for you that you really are wanting to let go of, email me and let’s start you moving down that path towards freedom.
Until next time,