Why Do You Always Have to Be Right?

Do you know someone who always has to be right or thinks they are always right?

Kinda annoying huh?

I have been triggered by these people and have judged them. Why? Because I am one of them.

I have spent the majority of my life being the uber competent, independent, smart one that can do it all on her own without needing any help.

It has served me well in some respects and not so well in others. It has put walls up around my heart. It has made me harder and less accessible.

My husband has said to me in the past “Why do you always have to be right? Are you ready to drop your position yet?”

Ouch!

And he is right on the money.

Here’s why some of us feel that we have to be right. Because of an experience or experiences we had as children, we believed that we had to be that way in order to be loved, accepted and safe. Being right is a protective mechanism, a pattern of behaviour that we adopted to feel good enough or worthy in some way.

And that pattern can become so ingrained in us that it continues to run the show into adulthood. It is our default way of being until we can become aware of it. Once we have awareness of our patterns, then we have choice about whether we continue operating the same way or making some conscious changes.

This is what it feels like to operate under the pattern of having to be right:

You honestly feel like you have to be right, do it right, get it right, “win” the conversation, and have the last word. You are operating from the subconscious belief, “The fallout doesn’t matter as long as I am right at the end of the day. That is all that matters.”

The ego has you thinking that this is necessary if you want to remain being accepted, loved and safe. Isn’t that some crazy ass bullshit? 

It literally feels like survival. It actually really sucks. I’d much rather be thriving vs. surviving wouldn’t you?

It is these survival protective mechanisms that have us in stress/fear mode as our default way of being instead of being calm, in flow and enjoying life.

It puts walls up around our hearts. It keeps love out. We literally aren’t able to receive in the capacity that is available to us. We are in fight or flight ready to put up our dukes or get the hell out of dodge. The adrenaline and cortisol are coursing through our blood streams. We feel anxious and stressed. So NOT fun.

The saying “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” is so true. Our egos have us thinking that being right is the most important thing but it really isn’t. Having deeply connected loving relationships is. Moving from operating under the ego’s control to living from our hearts is truly the way to happiness. It is not from your mind.

And because I have to be right, saying sorry has been so difficult. My ego has had me believing that if I say I’m sorry, then I am not right and I won’t be valued.  What another great bullshit excuse to keep me separate and keep me away from relationships of the heart!

Now, saying sorry for me is a lot easier than it used to be. I used to  cringe inside as I managed to get the words out between clenched teeth. Sometimes it didn’t even occur to me to apologize because I was so not used to it.

I am also having a lot more compassion for myself as I understand that me behaving that way is simply a pattern and is not a reflection of who I really am.

For those of you who this way of being resonates, you may be asking, how do I stop operating that way?

One step is to start saying sorry first, saying sorry for having to have the last word, saying sorry for getting triggered and taking it out on someone else. It isn’t apologizing for who you are. It is apologizing for your behaviour and it’s effect on someone else. It is being sorry that you reacted from your protective mechanisms instead of from who you really are. And do not beat yourself up you are human and we all have protective patterns.

Just start noticing when you feel like you have to have the last word or prove your point. Be gentle with yourself.

Either you can relate to what I’m talking about or you know someone who fits this picture. My hope is that you have a better understanding of yourself or of someone you know, whatever the case may be. Having better understanding of people and ourselves is what deepens relationships. It allows for vulnerability when there is a soft spot to land. It allows our hearts to open more and to live from love.

If this is a pattern for you that you really are wanting to let go of, email me and let’s start you moving down that path towards freedom.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda

Closing a door…

You have heard me use the phrase “When one door closes, another one opens but it is hell in the hallway” before. It speaks to the discomfort of the unknown we feel in the transition phase between letting go of something old and starting something new. The not knowing is uncomfortable for us because our ego minds want to know. Thinking we know where we are heading is a form of controlling and keeping ourselves safe. It is a protective mechanism that our ego thinks will keep us from being hurt in some way. So our egos hate the unknown, hence the discomfort.

There are times when the doors close on us, when we aren’t really being given a choice. It is when we must move on to something new. It may be losing a job or a relationship ending that isn’t our choosing. We are blatantly being shown that we must let go and move on. While this doesn’t feel great, I actually prefer it because there is no second guessing, questioning whether or not to let go. It just is what it is and I can focus my energy on moving forward into something new.

What I find to be more difficult is when I am being guided to close the door myself. It’s when I have a choice about staying where I am at or closing the door and moving in a new direction. Then it is up to me to decide. This takes more courage especially when you are attached to what you are being asked to let go of. Changing direction and taking a different path isn’t always about leaving something that is “bad”. It isn’t always about leaving a “bad” relationship or a “bad” situation. It is easier when you are being asked to leave something that you don’t really like. For me, the most difficult time is when my soul is asking me to let go of something or people I love. It makes no logical sense so I can’t even wrap my head around it and give my mind peace. And try explaining it to people! I can’t even find the words other than “I just know this is right”. I can’t make people understand why I am making the choices I am. In the end, nobody can “get” it.

This is the walk when you choose to co-create with the universe. It’s when you let go of knowing at a mind level and you let go of controlling the outcomes. It’s when you let go of expectations and try to have other people understand you, never mind like you. It is when you follow your deep sense of knowing that you can’t explain. It is when you follow your “yes” until it becomes a clear yes or a clear no. It is asking for guidance and help from Source, not trying to do it all on your own. It’s when the discomfort of change begins to morph into curiosity and excitement about what is to come instead of fear and dread that keep you stuck.

I am in the process of learning and practising to live this way. Pretty well every area of my life is unknown at the moment. It doesn’t feel comfortable at all as my ego doth protest a fricking lot! Talk about a time to have so much compassion and grace for myself. It is literally like learning a new way to walk, like a toddler taking her first steps. I have to keep reminding myself to stop controlling and hand everything over to the universe. I am so used to doing it all on my own. Have done it a long time. And it has cost me in so many ways. I am no longer willing to live that way and so learning to walk again is the choice I am making.

Why am I doing this? Trying to do everything on my own has cost me my wellbeing. It has depleted my energy reserves such that I don’t have any energy left to enjoy myself. My hormones are in the tank and my nervous system has been in fight or flight (stress) mode a very long time. And we have all heard about the toll stress has on one’s health. I don’t want to wait until I have some major health issue to make the changes I am embarking on now.

I want to remember how to play. I want to have more energy and increased vitality so I can create and play and enjoy the shit out of my life. I don’t want to keep limiting the infinite possibilities that are available to me by continuing to control, judge and have expectations that I hold onto.

And so, I am letting go. I am closing some doors and am willing to be in the unknown for as long as it takes. This is the year to do it. For those of you who follow numerology, this is a “9” year. It is an ending of a cycle year with a fresh 9 year cycle beginning in 2017. I am willing to dance with the universe, responding to each other’s steps, one by one. I have help from my higher levels and from my human guides. This is not easy to do on your own and I wouldn’t recommend it. Get some guidance and support as you learn to walk a new way. Your way.

What is presenting for you to let go of? What door are you being asked to close? Are you ready and willing to be in the unknown so that your life truly thrives instead of being in survival mode and feeling “meh”? If you are, I would love to show you the way. Send me an email and let’s chat.

And if you aren’t ready to make changes and let go of your protective mechanisms, it is all good. This is a very personal decision and you will know when the time is right. You will feel it deep in your bones. Trust that. Where you are currently at in your journey is perfect. No judgement, only acceptance, compassion and love.

Until next time,

Much love,

Glenda